Wednesday, March 04, 2009

10 Types of Bosses You Need to Avoid

I love this article written by Amused & Bemused, a feature blogger:

My boss has been really been bugging me lately. I think I spend more of my day thinking about how to avoid him than I spend working on the stuff he needs from me.

So, for this week's article, I had the bright idea of giving you some sage advice on the types of bosses you need to avoid. The chances of someone getting a great boss are about as slim as my man-boobs suddenly changing into rippling pecs, so I thought this idea would be helpful to many.

I don't know about you, but when I think about bosses, it makes me think of asses, and when I think of asses, I think of ___holes, and without fail, when I think of ___holes, I think of toilets. How about you?

So here's my advice on the 10 Types of Bosses You Should Avoid, as demonstrated with the help of toilets:

10. Avoid the Boss That Has No Personal Life

Toilet Office

This boss suffers from "everyone should suffer like me" syndrome.

There are bosses out there that have little in their lives besides work and don't respect the fact that others do. To avoid facing the empty and joyless lives they have, they typically glorify work as if it's the only thing worth doing.

These bosses will not hesitate to ask you to work on Poker Night or cancel your family vacation to Vegas. You can tell you have one of these bosses if you see them running to the crapper, bringing along a memo to read, so they don't miss a second of work time.If you have one of these work all the time types, go find a new boss or watch your life dry up like dog poop in the sun.

9. Avoid the Boss That Wants to Piss All Over You

Between A Woman's Legs Toilet

This boss suffers from "if I am nasty, no one will notice I am stupid" syndrome.

There are bosses out there who don't know how to say "thank you" or "great job". Silent when you perform and deliver well, they are the first to publicly berate you with a warm stream of criticism for the slightest goof or mistake. Fearful of being discovered for the failures that they are, they will leap at the chance to make others look bad. Showers of abuse are what they provide.

If you have one of these full of piss bosses, leave them or your self-respect will become smaller than the nuts of a man who just joined with the ice swimming Polar Bears club.

8. Avoid the Boss That Constantly Clowns Around

Clown Toilet

This boss suffers from "I am a laughing fool" syndrome.

When you first meet this type of boss, you'll think they're great. You love the idea of having a fun boss to work with at first. Only when you've been with them a while do you realize that they are having too much fun to do any work. They are the ones spending all their work hours looking for a new gag to play or titillating gossip to spread around. Since they have little time to actually do their jobs, you will end up staying late every night to finish up their work.

If you have a joker for a boss, you need to run far away from that circus.

7. Avoid the Boss That Struggles to Stay Afloat

Fish-N-Flush Toilet

This boss suffers from "I am drowning in my own incompetence" syndrome.

Some managers are merely around to prove that the Peter Principle (that you get promoted until you get a job you can't do well and get stuck there) is alive and well in corporate America. Clueless as to how to do their job and afraid to admit it, they are always looking for someone to save them.

Watch out as these bosses will surely cover up their incompetence by taking credit for your work and quickly toss you over to explain away their missed deadlines and bad decisions.

If you have one these bosses, don't keep throwing them a life raft. Just let them flail around until they run out of energy and let them drown.

6. Avoid the Boss That Constantly Blows His Own Horn

Musical Instrument Toilet

This boss suffers from "if I say I am great enough times, it'll be true" syndrome.

These bosses believe that if no one is saying anything nice about them, they should fill the void by creating loud fanfare about themselves.

They are usually the ones who will tell you that the company can't survive without them. Needing constant polishing and buffing, they surround themselves with people who will support their delusions of grandeur. You can tell you have one of these bosses, if it feels like you are expected to start a parade every time they successfully go to the bathroom.

If you have one of these bosses, tell them that you will no longer be part of the show and a member of their failing band.

5. Avoid the Boss That Is Always Competing With You

Video Game Toilet

This boss suffers from "I need to prove I am not the weakest link" syndrome.

Have you ever had a boss that makes everything a competition?

These are the jerks that can't just be happy with the fact that they rule over your workday. They need to get the daily ego boost of winning, even it's just proving they can eat a sandwich faster than you.

Had a nice weekend, he had a better one. Bought yourself a flat-screen tv, his is bigger. Leased a new BMW? Hers is a Porsche. These are the bosses who can't go to the bathroom without covertly peeking over to your urinal to see if you would win the "whose the biggest in the locker room" test.

If you have one these bosses, drop out as a contestant in their biggest loser marathon.

4. Avoid the Boss That's All Talk

Kiss Toilet

This boss suffers from "diarrhea of the mouth" syndrome, constantly spewing dribble until nothing is left.

These are the bosses that walk around telling everyone their pathetically unfunny story or joke of the day. They are the ones that need to take over every meeting, forcing everyone to swallow their bull. For these bosses, sucking up time is what they do best. These big mouths also tend to be backstabbing hypocrites, telling you how great you areto your face as they snicker over your latest goof with everyone else in the office.

If you have one these bosses, tell them to shut their big gaping trap and tell their story to someone else.

3. Avoid the Boss That's Always on the Go

Toilet Bike

This boss suffers from "if I pretend to be busy, you'll find someone else" syndrome.

There are bosses that are zipping around, never in one place long enough to actually do any work. These bosses often travel a lot and complain about it but find every opportunity to get out of the office. With the frenzy that surrounds them and their packed appointment book, there is no time to spare for a lowly slug like you. They are very good at delegating tasks and you are unsure as to whether they can do anything else but shove more work on you as they leave the office for one more trip.

If you have one these bosses, use them for inspiration and zip yourself go somewhere else.

2. Avoid the Boss That's Obsessed with Sex

Rear End Toilets

This boss suffers from "I never get any at home so all I can do is talk ABOUT IT" syndrome.

Every workplace seems to have the office letch. The pig that has to leer and make a sexual comments every time someone attractive walks by. They are the first to note that a "sweater" is nice, as they stare at your breasts or tell you they are waiting for a big "package" to be delivered, as they lick their lips and look at your crotch.

It's bad enough to have to deal with them at work but it's unbearable when they are your boss. Trying to look up your skirt when you're crossing your legs if you're hot (or making you feel like a cow chip if you are not), they can be relied upon to offer blush-worthy commentary on everything. You can tell you have one of these bosses if everything they say is filled with sexual innuendo and they even talk about the toilet as some sexual conquest.

If you have let's talk dirty boss, you should get another. It will only be a matter of time before you participate in the lewd talk to fit in, only to find charges of sexual harassment brought against you. Your boss will be too important to fire but you won't be.

1. Avoid the Boss That Will Eat You Alive

Jaws Toilet

This boss suffers from "I was a nerd in high school but now I can be a bully" syndrome.

There are those bosses that are simply terrors to work with. Impatient, nasty and mean, they dismiss all of your contributions and belittle you at every turn.

These bosses are great yellers, and when you think of them, all you can think of is a big snarling mouth. This type of boss won't hesitate to throw a tantrum, scream profanities as they smash things around the office and hurl books and pencils at you.

If you have a man-eating boss, you need to break free from their nasty grasp. Life is too short to work for someone that's not even worthy of licking your toilet flush them away like the turds they are.

Well, you have now been through the 10 Types of Bosses You Need to Avoid. I am sure I have only touched the dirty surface of the bosses we've all had to work with.

So what are the ones I missed? Do you have a horror story to share about your lousy boss so that it makes my boss seem like a saint in comparison?

Amused and Bemused
Featured Blogger

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View the original source here. Is your boss any of the above?


annna said...

my boss is toilet number.........

Ah_Mike said...

I'm guessing #9? based on how many dots u had on your message?

Celeste said...

hmmm... can't even single my boss to one number, does that mean i should switch jobs? :P